Week 17

I begin to figure out that not everyone knows I'm pregnant...especially those not in the "Facebook World."
I had my 30th birthday a week ago and one charming guest (no names) came up and said after my speech (which mentioned my bittersweet feelings about this pregnancy) and said "I had no idea you were pregnant!" The tone was jovial, joking. I nodded in assent. "Gee..." this guest continues, with a slap on my back and a huge guffaw, "I hope this one goes all right." Cue exit, guest wanders off, leaving me looking for the candid camera. This one? As opposed to Sybella, that one? The guest made it sound like we were talking about a birthday cake that had sunk. Not two baby's lives. My babies. It really makes me question the self awareness of others at times. It makes me tired of playing by the rules, stepping around other's feelings, not allowing them to feel uncomfortable in the presence of a stillbirth mother, making it okay for them. Most people are genuinely caring and honest and sympathetic. Others dont even stop to check themselves and then continue to give themselves permission to behave in an unthinking and uninsightful way by saying "well, that's just me. It's who I am." I dont know about anyone else, but I am a person who constantly tries to appraise my own behaviour, engage in self improvement, be conscious of the effect that my actions or words may have on other people and then adjust accordingly. It's disappointing to hear the cop-out from others "it's who I am, love it or leave it." I'm starting to leave it, truthfully!
Enough psychology. Judging from the above rant, one can come to the conclusion that I am feeling rather hormonal??? To the point where I am crying during Junior Masterchef. Yep. Those poor kids are under so much pressure! They cry...then I cry. I want to spirit them all away, feed them soup, tuck them onto the couch with a pillow and blanket and put on the Playhouse Disney channel. And not let them anywhere near a kitchen. Hormones? I think so.
Another appointment with The Boss (scheduled this time) shows a lovely beating heart and no call on whether Rainbow Baby is a boy or girl. His words are "not enough there to say it's a boy, but I wouldnt make a call on it being a girl either." What do you make of that? I'm a bit scared of the baby being a girl. This is weird, irrational reasoning...but I have given birth to a beautiful, healthy boy before, and so I know I can do that. Perhaps whatever it was that cause Sybella to die had something to do with her being a girl. Who knows? I just feel afraid that if this baby is a girl, she might have the same "problem" (whatever it was, as Sybella's stillbirth was unexplained) as Sybella. And possibly die. A boy, on the other hand, will leave me feeling much more confident about the outcome of this pregnancy. Anxiety...mixed with grief and hormones...makes for odd thinking. On the weekend, a friend said to me "God will choose, and has chosen the perfect new member of your family. This little one is the best fit for you and yours." I loved that. No mention of boy or girl, just a person. And like I said, it doesnt matter one iota to me what the sex of the baby is, but on some level, I think knowing the sex will help me bond with the baby. Once I knew Jack and Sybella were a boy and girl respectively, I began to bond with them as a real person, not an unknown entity in my womb. It helped me attribute a personality to the baby. And...of course, it helped me feed my Virgo neuroses and allowed me to plan accordingly. With this baby, I find myself engaging in self preservation by remaining somewhat detached. Of course, we love this baby and cant wait to meet him or her. But in the back of my mind, I fear another stillbirth and I try not to think of the baby as a real person...as if that would make it any easier if the worst was to happen. As a result, learning the baby's sex might help the baby seem more real to me and I will start to encompass the idea that we will meet him or her in February.
That said, this pregnancy already has such a different energy to Sybella's pregnancy. I dont know what that means, or whether it means anything at all. That's a more spiritual plane that I wont try and interpret or analyse right now.
However, I am very exhausted physically...I have been pregnant forever. All in all, I have spent 17 consecutive months pregnant.

I miss sushi.

See Baby This Week