I have a week until my 19 week morphology ultrasound and I am not coping well. I am imagining every possible terrible scenario, from discovering no heartbeat, to finding a fatal problem that would lead to having to make the decision to terminate or not, to just finding one or more soft markers that could indicate a problematic issue. One scenario I dont consider is the one that involves walking out of the room with a clean bill of health. I dont even let myself believe that it could be the case.
I actually have no reason to think there might be a structural anomaly with the baby. The Boss has been checking the heartbeat via ultrasound every fortnight, so I have been seeing the normal growth progress of the baby. I had a very good result for my Nuchal Translucency scan. My fears are only based on my previous experience of stillbirth...however, even that doesnt give me a reason to think there is an issue, because Sybella's 19 week morphology scan was fine. At her birth, she was a normal, beautifully formed baby. No health issues were ever detected from any ultrasound, her appearance or her post mortem examination.
The fear remains, however.
The Boss, at a previous consultation, still cannot tell me what the sex of the baby is. I am wondering now if I am not supposed to find out, as twice now, bubs has kept it's bits a secret. I start to become worried about the possibility of having another girl. What if...the reason Sybella died was something to do with the fact that she was female? And it is a problem that medicine isnt advanced enough yet to know about? You know, how Hemophilia only affects males, but only females are the carriers? What if Bella's death was something similar to that?
The idea of the baby being a girl panics me so much that I discuss with Kelvin about not finding out the sex now...and just living in blissful ignorance...without adding another factor for anxiety into the mix. He says he will do whatever I want to do. Good man.
That said, my hunch is that the baby is a boy anyway. I am happy about that. The age gap between Jack and this baby will be 5 years exactly. If they are both boys, there is probably the potential for them to be closer, than if the baby were a girl. Hard to say, though. There is a 5 year age gap between my brother and I...and a 10 year gap between me and my youngest brother...and I think they are awesome. So it probably has more to do with the dynamics of the family, how relationships are promoted and individual personalities, as to whether siblings are close or not...female or male.
I dont know. I just ramble. We will get the perfect member for our family...the one that God deems the right fit. That's enough for me.
See Baby This Week
Hugs. Hang in there and I have everything crossed I'm reading about that clean bill of health you can't imagine next week. I felt similar to you leading up to my scan and wasn't coping very well - our 20 week scan with Matilda was where they first found something wrong.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was something I could say to make this easier but all I've got is try and keep busy and find some distractions (we were on holiday in NZ the two weeks leading up to Max's 20 week scan).
Maddie x