Week 19

The week has arrived for our morphology scan. I havent slept properly in ages.
The night before I toss and turn, have horrible dreams and wake every half an hour. On the way there, Kelvin says he hopes we arent driving back afterwards feeling the same way we did after Sybella's last ultrasound. We arrive twenty minutes early and I sit in the waiting room, bladder full, jiggling my foot, perched on the very edge of my chair. The sonographer, (lets call her D) calls us in early. We explain our history and how we are supremely nervous. D assures me that she will talk through the whole scan with us. Immediately she points out the heartbeat, so that is a good start. D is a very experienced technician...she actually did Jack's morphology scan in 2005! She also scanned Sybella, two weeks before she died. At that scan, Sybella was thriving and growing well. She was in no way compromised. One would argue that D is not that experienced, given that she didnt pick up on Sybella, but truly, Sybella had no detectable problems and the doctor on duty confirmed this on the day of that second-last ultrasound.

D clicks through the images, measuring, looking...and I am sure she works quickly, yet methodically so that we dont worry. I know that when a technician stops, is silent and just stares at the screen that we have something to worry about. D, I think, purposely avoids doing this. I can tell, however, that she knows exactly what she is looking for and that that she knows exactly what she is doing. She chats to us, explaining each organ, what she is seeing, what the measurements are and how everything looks normal and within range at each point. D tells us about certain abnormalities and what they look for to diagnose them...for example, with Spina Bifida, babies with this defect often have Anencephaly, which is absence of the brain and/or skull. She shows us our baby's brain and formed skull, points out hemispheres and shows us that the measurments are good. So we can be completely sure that our baby doesnt have that particular anomaly. She does this for other problems too, she shows us each ventricle of the heart, each kidney (and this baby does not have Pyelectasis like Sybella did), we see the cutest little face in 2D and 3D. D is very happy with the baby's progress so far and says as much. Kelvin asks me if I want to find out the sex of the baby and I um and ahh about this. Right now, I feel perfectly content knowing that the baby is healthy and dont feel the desire to know the sex. I dont feel the overwhelming curiosity and impatience that I felt when finding out the sex of Jack and Sybella. D says that if I'm not sure about finding out, then dont. We decide to leave it be for now, and I know I have made the right choice. After this ultrasound, I feel so much happiness and peace. I feel completely content. After Sybella's 19 week ultrasound, I left feeling unsettled and uneasy. Which is why I requested another ultrasound at 24 weeks, where we found out about her Pyelectasis and what they think was an amniotic band in my uterus. This saw me spend the rest of her pregnancy in a fit of anxiety.

 

This baby, I know, is strong. He or she is coming, I know it. I see the baby, I see it's birth, I see myself breastfeeding. I could never do that with Sybella. And that make me so so sad. It is such a bittersweet time. I still grieve my little girl so much, but am completely in love with this new little life inside. It is hard to reconcile sometimes. When I feel sad, I think I am not giving Rainbow Baby a proper chance at connecting with me. When I spend time trying to feel kicks, and talk to Rainbow Baby, I feel like I am ignoring Sybella and her memory. I guess I will struggle with this for a while and probably need to go with it.

For those who were on the edge of their seat waiting to find out the sex of the baby (because I did say that I was going to find out earlier) my compensation is this...I will tell you the names we think we will use. Should the baby be a girl, her name is Imogen Scarlett. If the baby is a boy, we are fairly sure that his name is Reuben Elvis (I still need to convince Kelvin a bit on this). There is lots of fun in choosing names!

I wonder how long my peace and contentment will last...until I start to worry again?

See Baby This Week