I am so in love. I havent let myself connect properly to this baby yet but I find the urge to bond is insurmountable. I love this baby. I am grateful for this new chance and new life. I look at the 3D ultraound photos all the time and marvel at how cute (!) this baby is already. I still have fear but it is habitual, I think. I know deep down that we will be welcoming this little one in February, and even consider having another natural birth...(as I had planned a c-section two weeks early out of fear). We will see when the time comes. I am learning to trust my instincts much more lately. This is thanks to Sybella. When I get to 34 weeks, that will be crunch time. If I start to panic, I will go ahead with the c-section at 38 weeks. If I feel calm, I will continue into natural labour when the time comes. One thing I know for sure is that I WONT be going past 40 weeks. At all. Since I have had a c-section already (with Jack) I cannot be induced, which means another c-section at 40 weeks anyway. So my options are a natural labour if it begins prior to 40 weeks, or a c-section if I a) am panicky after 34 weeks b) I am calm but gestation continues after 40 weeks. I will talk to The Boss about it.
I am very excited about our baby's name. They are the most beautiful names in the world, I think. I am so happy that I finally got Kelvin to agree to Reuben. I still may not have convinced him 100% but I am quietly confident! He was dead set against it. He said it sounded like a girl's name. I resigned myself to having to call our son "Bob" which is what Kelvin would use if he got his way. I sighed and put the name "Reuben" into a metaphorical box and let it go. Until Kelvin excitedly told me he had been listening to Kenny Rodger's song Reuben James and decided it was a strong name and he actually liked it. Um, thanks Kenny. Thanks, you Silver Fox, who can use the gift of song to convince my husband on his child's name...yet his own wife, bearer of his three children, cant. Geez!
The dreams have returned too. Good grief, do I have a cracker one night. I dreamed I was in hospital, still pregnant. I went into labour and just about everyone I knew was there for the occassion. Seriously, about 50 people. Even a couple of randoms were thrown in. The midwife was trying to find the heartbeat of the baby and asking me if I felt all right. She then told me that the baby's heartbeat was weak. I begged for fetal heart monitoring and a c-section but all she let me do was get into the shower. In the shower, my water broke and the entire bathtub filled with sludgy brown amniotic fluid. I woke up before the baby was born. Now, it wasnt distressing as such, but was incredibly vivid and played on my mind for ages. I really wish those dreams would stop! I do know that they are just dreams, my subconcious processing my anxiety. I have absolutely no belief that dreams hold any premonition or meaning. They are no indication of something that has happened or that will happen. If that were true, I would have cheated on Kelvin with Don Draper a thousand times by now...
See Baby This Week
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