Week 11

Hyperanxiety equals hypervigilance. It's exhausting. Sometimes I just dont know what to do with myself.
The bleeding stopped and my next appointment with The Boss was uneventful. The baby looked fine on the scan and had grown appropriately. I was able to breathe for a few days until the next drama.
In our backyard we have flowerbeds on the perimeter of the grass. Cats come at night and do their business. Not very often, but it's pretty gross when they do. Now, pregnant women know that cat poo is a big no-no in pregnancy. You arent meant to change kitty litter because cat poo can harbour Toxoplasmosis, which is a virus that harms the unborn baby. So when I found a heap of cat crap in the garden, I got Kelvin to dispose of it. Which he did. By dumping it straight into the council bin without bagging it first. That's not so bad...for a normal person. But I'm not normal...I am out of my mind with anxiety. I am so scared of this baby dying too I go beyond boundaries to protect it. Which is why I hired a man to come with his spray hose, broom and bottle of disinfectant to come and clean all our council bins. That's pretty insane. But I'm aware of it. This is where fear pushes me. Beyond normal limits. Maybe unless you have buried a child, you wont understand where I come from. Maybe you do, even without having had your child die. Sometimes I have to mentally slap myself, though. I have to remember that whatever happens with this baby...I have pretty much no control over it. I learned that with Sybella. I never put a foot out of line when I was pregnant with her, and she was stillborn. I had no control over her death. I couldnt have prevented it, no matter how hard I tried. Ultimately, it is the same with this little one. I have to trust that things will go the way they are meant to. As hard as that is to relinquish control like that.
On the upside, I have magnificently clean council bins. And they look beautiful!

See Baby This Week