Week 10

I am packing groceries into the car when I feel the all too familar sensation of pelvic bleeding.
Sure enough, when I get home, I panic at the sight of blood in my knickers. It is brown in colour, which isnt as scary as the bright red stuff. And there isnt very much. But it is still a shocking sight when you are pregnant, to see blood...when and where you shouldnt. I call The Boss and his secretary (I should really call her The Boss!) tells me to come in straight away. I must travel to Sydney, and it is 3.30pm, the beginning to peak hour. I have a bad feeling as I drive. I start to feel menstrual-type cramps and I convince myself it is all over. I have Jack with me and he decides it is the most appropriate time to become a devil-child. He refuses to sit in the doctors office because the one next door has better toys. He plays with the water cooler and manages to create a mini-flood. Not terrible beahviour, but definitely stressful, considering what I am feeling. I tell the Boss that I have a bad feeling and dont feel great about this baby when he is ready to see me. He seems terse and says "Am I interested in what you think?" I actually appreciated that comment because he didnt seem all that worried about the wellbeing of the baby. If he wasnt worried, maybe I shouldnt be. I lie down in anticipation of the ultrasound I am about to receive and the next 10 seconds of The Boss trying to find a good image feels like 10 years. He triumphantly shows me a heartbeat flickering away. I feel all panic drain from my body. Okay. He measures the baby, it is on track. I get a picture and at 10 weeks, it is starting to look like a "real" baby as opposed to an embryonic blob. The structure and form is clear and visible.
Outside, we have a chat. He explains that brown loss is "old." I had heard that, but didnt really know what it meant. He explains that it means whatever caused the bleeding has already occured, and the image of the baby today, happy and alive, means it was unaffected by whatever caused the bleeding. I tell him about the cramps and he says it is most likely the uterus stretching. The initial anxiety has subsided but I am still upset by the bleeding. The Boss seems concerned about my anxiety. He asks how I am coping on a daily basis. I tell him I am okay. But tired. Physically and emotionally. I have had one month off between pregnancies. My body hadnt recovered from the second one before I was launched into the third. My nerves are frayed. Two months ago I held a funeral for my baby daughter. Here I am, pregnant again and bleeding and scared. I explain that I wouldnt have rushed in here if it hadnt been for the bleeding. The Boss concedes that I reacted to a specific event. I am glad, because I dont think my actions were unreasonable in light of what happened. I get the impression he thinks I am over-reacting. I am a little embarrassed by that, because I dont want him to dislike me or think I am a nuisance..I still have 30 weeks to go! But at the end of the day, I am a mother who buried a child. I have every right to be anxious and unreasonable in a subsequent pregnancy...especially one that has been fraught with so much unpredictability. You're pregnant...you're not pregnant...oh, yes, you are pregnant...you have CMV...you are bleeding...I mean, c'mon! Haven't I paid my dues? Dont I deserve a straight shot? Why am I the one who keeps getting these complications turfed at me? I guess God thinks I can handle it.
All I can say is....bring on February...

See Baby This Week