Food. Cant stop thinking about it. I am someone who is very cautious with what I eat in pregnancy. I am very restricted. I do find myself faltering a bit lately...not as healthy as I should be. I put it down to having been pregnant for a year already. I havent had any decent sushi, camembert or red wine (3 of my favourite things!) for ages. Not that I am digging into that kind of food while I am pregnant...they are all big no-no's. But I am eating weird stuff. Like the picture shows. Mini dim sims, at the same time as watermelon and raspberries. Even I know that's pretty odd. But hey. Maybe the obsession with Tzatziki is actually what I should be worried about. It goes on everything right now. Yes, everything. Strawberries, olives, celery...and cheese. The bleeding continues slowly. Sometimes blood is there, sometimes it isnt. I am not really worried because the baby was fine at the last check a week ago. When I start having strong pelvic pressure and light cramps, though, I kind of...lose my mind. Albeit privately. I am constantly monitoring the feeling of pressure...and I remember I had it at 13 weeks with Sybella. The description I gave to Miss Karen, the Reading Recovery teacher at work was "It feels like everything is going to fall out..."
I have that feeling again, but am somewhat comforted by the fact that I experienced previously...and clearly, Sybella never "fell out" at 13 weeks. So I tell myself it is normal. I also tell myself that the cramps are stretching pains. They arent like contractions at all, not even similar to period pain. More "sharp." When I start to ache in the pelvis, waddle like I am 40 weeks pregnant, not 14 and have trouble taking one foot off the floor just to put a pair of pants on, I know that the cramps are progressing to Symphisis Pubis Dysfunction, which is what I had with Sybella. However, it began at 20 weeks with her...here I am at 14 weeks! I was told this but didnt want to believe it..but the aches and pains get worse with each subsequent pregnancy. I know that in my heart of hearts, that if everything goes well with this baby, and he or she is born alive and healthy, that the idea of another pregnancy is not something that Kelvin or I would enter into lightly. I always wanted three children, which is what I am going to have. It just happens that only two of them are with me on Earth. One is in Heaven. However...and I dont even want to say this, but if things dont go well, I know that Kel and I will try for as long as it takes to have another baby. I cant let the experience of Sybella's death be my last experience of pregnancy and birth. I need to do it one more time and have a happy outcome. These are the things I think about at 2am in the morning, my mind spinning, sitting in the dark, for hours and hours.
I usually wake up at this time after a horrible dream. They happen due to hormones quite often. My first bad dream about the baby was that I decided I would perform a c-section on myself! Of course, the baby didnt survive. It was a boy and he came out blue and lifeless. I visited The Boss in my dream and he was very unconcerned about the whole thing! He wasnt worried that the baby was dead, or the fact that I had done my own surgery...when I woke up, my heart was pounding. There were plenty more of these dreams to come, I soon found out.
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