Week 4

So, I’ve had one period that arrived pretty much one exact cycle after Sybella’s birth. I’m due for my second one any day now. Kelvin and I have decided to wait until we have Sybella’s autopsy results before we try for another baby. I am anxious to start straight away. I am supposed to have a baby right now, to nurture, to feed, to wrap. And I don’t. So I want to make one. This is not to replace Sybella; it’s to satisfy my primal nurturing urges. Kelvin says we need to give Sybella more time, a period of grace before trying again. I understand what he means. I agree. But my body is aching for a baby. And I am desperate to go back to a place where I am happy and hopeful. Where I have another focus, not just mind-numbing grief. Jack is starting school in January, then what? I will have a child at school, grown up, not at home with me. He will be starting to make friends, do homework. I won’t be the focus of his life anymore. He will have other idols and mentors and influences. That’s good; of course, it’s what I want for him. But it makes me feel dispensable and redundant. If Sybella were here, it wouldn’t matter so much, because I would have her to focus on. She would be six months old. It is so much harder to let go of Jack when I don’t have another living child to turn my attentions to.

See Baby This Week