Week 6

Kelvin doesn’t want me to tell a soul about this pregnancy until the 12 week mark. I understand why. Due to our loss of Sybella, he doesn’t want to spread the word about a pregnancy that might not result in a live baby. Of course, the innocence and naivety of pregnancy is gone for us. Two blue lines on a stick doesn’t automatically mean “baby” anymore. Pregnancy has become something that I just have to “get through.” I’m not sure, though, why Kelvin thinks the 12 week scan is the magic time that we can announce our news. Obviously, for “normal” people, it is the end of the first trimester. The risk of miscarriage has diminished. You have had your first scan, and if that has gone well, you are in a position to announce joyously the news of your impending arrival. Not for us, though. Sybella’s 12 week scan was perfect. Her risk for Down Syndrome, based on the Nuchal Translucency test was 1 in 10,002. A brilliant result. So we were able to breathe easy and tell everybody our news. Her 20 week scan was also perfect. No issues at all. So despite being a perfectly formed baby with no outward health problems and outstanding scan results, our daughter was stillborn. So you can see why I don’t even trust the 12 week scan for peace of mind. I can’t let out my breath at the 12 week scan. I can’t let out my breath at the 20 week scan. I cannot breathe properly until this baby is out and I hear its’ first cry. By that logic, I don’t think it matters whether or not I wait until 12 weeks until I tell people about this baby. I DO need to tell a select few. I tell my mum and dad, my brothers, my best friend Merrill and my aunt Barbara. Kelvin disagrees with me sharing news with even these people. But I argue that I cannot go 12 weeks with no support, keeping this pregnancy a secret, when I am going to be as anxious as can be. It is not fair to ask me to keep this news just between Kelvin and I, because he is at work for 10 hours a day and I am going to need someone other than him to discuss my anxieties and fears with. On top of that, if I do miscarry, within 2 months of having a stillbirth, there is a good chance I might lose my mind, and so I am going to need extra support in that event. As well as those I mentioned, I also told of my pregnancy to other Babylost Mamas. Only they could fully understand what I was feeling at this time. I needed them to tell me what I was feeling and thinking was normal. I needed to hear how they got through each day…days that felt like months. As for everyone else, I don’t know how or when I will tell them. Some people might only be finding out via this blog. As much as I want to acknowledge this little life from the beginning, I am fearful. I am hesitant to make a formal announcement, or tell people via Facebook. Some days I think I will just turn up to events with a baby bump one day. Not explain anything. Let people ask me. If they ask if I’m pregnant, I’ll answer honestly. Yes. There may even be some people who won’t even know I’ve been pregnant until the baby is born. I’ll just rock up with a baby one day.

It’s not that I’m not excited. But I want to protect myself and I want to protect others. I don’t want them to worry for me or pity me. Even though I know it isn’t and won’t be, I want this pregnancy to be as uneventful as possible.

See Baby This Week