Week 33

33 weeks was the actual week that Sybella died. She died at 33 weeks and 5 days, approximately. She was born at 34 weeks and 1 day.
This week was so consumed by anxiety that I wondered if I was losing my mind. My stomach was in a constant knot. I couldnt keep food down. I stopped sleeping, after hearing that most babies die at night, when the mother is asleep because thats when her blood pressure drops. Constipation pain became a placental abruption, in my mind.
I turned up to hospital daily. Some staff were more than understanding. Others wanted me to get my act together. One particular midwife told me "I'm just a midwife. I cant cope with your anxiety. I dont know what to do for you." My response? "All you have to do is put the transducer on. That is all." I dont want anyone to have to "cope" with my anxiety. I know it's irrational. No-one can take it away, and I think that many midwives think that I want them to. I dont. All I want, is to turn up for heart monitoring without resistance or questions. I dont want to explain myself. I just want to say "I am anxious today. I am having a bad day. Can I please hear the baby's heartbeat?" Then I want them to agree, and hook me up, and leave me alone to concentrate on that beautiful thudding.
At 33 weeks and 6 days, I saw an obstetrician, not The Boss, as he was on holidays. I saw his replacement. I spilled everything. I told her I wasnt coping. She set me up with a hospital psychiatrist, who was lovely and helpful. We discussed an inpatient admission to the Maternity ward. Although the thought was alluring, logistically, I have Jack's birthday and first day of school coming up and dont want to miss those.
I am deeply fearful and am doubting more and more every day that I will birth this baby alive. Instinctively, I know he is okay. I know he is strong, and I can "see" him. But I am so profoundly affected by Sybella's death that my confidence and trust is completely shot.

There is even a point now where I wonder if too much movement is an issue! For the last two days, Rainbow Baby has had 15-20 minute bursts of energy (usually after a meal) where he doesnt stop wriggling at all. He calms down after a while and goes back to his normal pattern. But of course, I wonder "is he okay?"

I have a c-section booked for Feb 21. I wont feel at peace until then. 

See Baby This Week