I think from now until the birth will be exactly the same. A rollercoaster of manic emotion and fear. I have tried to keep a lid on my anxiety, but I have given up. Let them think I am a lunatic. Let them worry about me and discuss how to handle me. I'm past it, beyond caring. I openly admit to hospital staff: "I am not coping." I turn up for fetal heart monitoring for no reason now, and dont even bother making up an excuse. "I want to listen to the heartbeat," I say. Unapologetically. At Maternal Fetal Medicine, I request ultrasounds unashamedly. I am always accomodated, which I do appreciate. If anyone dares to question my mental state and whether I am overreacting, God help them. I have terrible visions of the same thing happening all over again. My heart starts to pound when I imagine the possibility of my baby boy coming out, sleeping...having to go through it all over again, the funeral, the grief, the pity, the explanations for Jack. Oh, Jack. He is old enough now to really understand that there is a baby coming soon. If something were to happen...the burden of Jack's pain alone would be enough to send me into eternal catatonia.
He talks to the baby, sings to him. The fear of my boy living through the death of two of his siblings is unbearable.
All of this is what pushes me past my embarrasment of presenting to the hospital so often. If I can do anything to ensure this baby's health and safety, I will.
Even though most people are nice about it, some of them really dont understand.
All I can say to them is: "This is my child. My child."
See Baby This Week
Do whatever you need too and don't feel like you need to explain - unless someone has been there they're not going to understand.
ReplyDeleteI didn't really let anyone know (other than Mick) how bad the anxiety really was until I rang my ob in tears at 37 weeks and said 'I'm not coping' - she bought the c-section forward and Max was in my arms the next day. Again - do whatever you need to in order to get through the next 5 or 6 weeks.
Maddie x
Have you thought of getting a handheld doppler for at home? My husband bought me a stethescope, which is worthless - don't do that. In the U.S., I know that you can rent dopplers as they tend to be spendy but I think they're a couple hundred dollars and you can do it anytime. Who knows, ask at the hospital next time. They might even give you one to take.
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