Week 31

My 31st week coincided with the horrid lack of routine of Christmas. Kelvin was home, everything was a constant mess in the lead up to Christmas. Jack was hysterical with excitement and his sleep routines were off.
I dont cope well in this environment. I cope best when I know that Tuesday is cleaning day, Thursday is grocery day, Wednesdays are appointment days etc. When my routine is thrown, my anxiety levels hit the roof. And that, they did, this week.
I knew that Maternal Fetal Medicine were not open through Christmas, and The Boss was not readily available...all the public holidays were confusing, and that void of time between Christmas and New Year was horrendous.
This also co-incided with the information that my 1 hour Glucose Tolerance Test came back with elevated sugar levels. As a result, I needed to have the 2 hour challenge. As I waited for the results, I was advised to stick to a low GI diet, that included wholemeal rubbish. The sudden lack of sugar in my diet affected the baby's movements, as I had previously used sugar to get his movements kickstarted. Now there was virtually no sugar in my diet, I am sure he was very annoyed! I could just picture him, rolling his eyes. "Muuuuuuu-uuum! What's this Basmati crap you keep sending down? Water? Water? What about orange juice??"
So, yes, he was very quiet, and coupled with the fact that I didnt have my usual tools of reassurance readily at hand, I lost my mind over Christmas.
I went to the hospital for fetal heart monitoring every second day, on average. Once I even went twice in a day. That day, I noticed alarm bells going off with the midwives. They were getting "worried." From the outside, I could see, that as professionals, they had every right to be concerned. My behaviour was irrational. It was beyond normal boundaries. I knew that too. But didnt care. Because 8 months ago, I held a funeral for my baby. Because I have my baby's ashes on my mantlepiece. Because my husband has a tattoo of her name on his arm. When I go back to that place, my irrational behaviour doesnt seem so irrational.
It so happens, that my 2 hour Glucose Challenge was normal and within range. I amped up the sugar again (not really!)...and Rainbow Baby seems much happier. His movements have changed again. Rather than jabs, he rolls and pushes. I remember Jack doing that. It is reassuring.
I lay in bed this very morning, feeling him roll around. I had been taught how to find the head, and I had my hand over the hard area that was Rainbow Baby's head. I palpated softly, amazed that I could feel the head so clearly. Suddenly, the hard area was no longer "hard"! It gave way and became soft. It was such a disconcerting feeling that I verbally exclaimed "ooooh!" I immediately started thinking that I had pressed the fontanelle...I had poked out an eye...I had dented his forehead. Although I hadnt been pushing that hard, the "dip" I felt was very real and overt. I was told repeatedly that the most likely scenario was that Rainbow Baby got irritated by the pressing and slid his head out of the way. I definitely had not pressed harder than The Boss or any midwife who had palpated my abdomen previously. I kept telling myself that I couldnt have done anything too horrendous to the baby with skin, uterine muscle and amniotic fluid in between us! That's the nature of pregnancy after loss, though. You worry about every little thing.

See Baby This Week