I am having problems sleeping and it ruins my whole day. Being my third pregnancy, I guess everything is completely stretched out and the impact on my bladder is phenomenal. I find myself waking to use the toilet, which is disruptive enough. When I get back into bed, I try and feel the baby kick, and if it doesnt kick straight away, I find myself wide awake, changing positions to feel movement. The panic I feel when I dont feel movement for a while is awful. I eventually get up, drink milk and eat a biscuit, which gets Rainbow Baby wriggling around a fair bit. I also have a stash of Starburst lollies in the cupboard for that ultimate sugar boost to get the kid kicking. However, this baby already moves much more that Sybella ever did. Perhaps her lack of movement was a sign. I cant say, really. Maybe she was just a quiet little girl, and that was her personality. Or maybe her lack of movement was a clue to some sort of physical weakness. As you begin to feel movement in a pregnancy, it starts off gently and gets stronger as the weeks go on. With Sybella, her movements were the quintessential bubbly, twitchy feelings at first. But they never got any stronger than that, even late in the piece. Kelvin couldnt even feel her through my abdomen until I was 30 weeks pregnant. But now, at 22 weeks, I can feel jabs and punches through my stomach (although Kelvin cant yet) which is much more reassurring.
Apart from the lack of sleep, life is okay. Anxiety is still a day to day occurrance and I keep having curve balls thrown at me. The latest is Chicken Pox at Jack's preschool. The teachers rang me at home to tell me, the lovely ladies! Jack has been immunised and I have had the virus at age 13, a very bad dose. I had my immunity checked and I am immune. So I am not particularly worried about contracting it, although I do have my knickers in a knot regarding the immunisation status of the children at preschool. A very contentious issue, I am aware and I wont get into it here. But let me say that immunisation is something I am passionate about and as far as I am concerned, it is a community health issue. You only have to read the story of 5 week old Carter Dube and his death from Pertussis to know that. But what is more worriesome is the newish claims that Carter's contraction of Pertussis was due to seasonal pesticides usage in California. Okay....
Enough of that. It's my gripe. One of my "things." I dont mean to be controversial, but this is an important issue for me and one close to my heart.
Unfortunately, the Chicken Pox news coincides with super itchiness all over my body! However, this itchiness has come and gone throughout this pregnancy and I'm sure that the current source is pyschological. I have had dermatitis on my arm and right shoulder from day one of this pregnancy, so that explains that. I just wish for one week where I dont have a drama to write about! Although everything has gone well so far, it hasnt been without its complications.
Maybe I'm just one of those people who have dramatic pregnancies. I dont want to be one of them though. Then again, who does?
See Baby This Week
Sunday
Week 21
Why is there so much poo in my life?
As Sybella's pregnancy progressed, I became more and more anxious. As Rainbow Baby's pregnancy progresses, I become more confident. It is a slow moving confidence, and is interspersed with hysterical fears that have "normal" people rolling thier eyes. Fear provoked by incidents such as Jack getting dog crap all over his shoes and me going to great lengths to avoid "contamination." These compulsive actions include washing the shoes (or even throwing them out), showering me and Jack, mopping the floor in case any was tracked in the house...etc etc. These actions are odd. I am aware of that. Maybe even the parent of a stillborn baby who is engaged in a subsequent pregnancy will think these actions are beyond the boundaries of normal. I dont know. Everyone has their limits, and anxiety will push you beyond those limits if you let it. I just feel such an innate sense of responsibility towards this baby, its health and its safety. I will do anything to keep it safe. The responsibilty is almost a burden (for want of a better word) and so restrictive. Imagine if I lost this baby too? What is the saying? To lose one is bad luck, to lose two is careless. The world is a frightening place for a parent, especially one who has lost a child, when you take all the threats into account.
Animal poo seems to be a reccurring theme in my life. I dont even have a pet! But I cant escape it. If it isnt dog crap on Jack's shoes, then it is bird stuff all over the back pavers. Or cat stuff in the flower beds (which I go NOWHERE NEAR). Or snail shit in the letterbox. So much snail shit that it gets smeared all over my mail, especially when it rains. I ended up getting the mail with gloves on, and eventually had to get Kelvin to hose it out. Pellets dont seem to repel the snails, but after shaking half a kilo of salt in there, I seem to have found my repellant. They havent come back, but my mail is covered in salt. Better than snail faeces, anyway. Who knows what the postman thinks? Nutters in Number 4, that's for sure.
As Sybella's pregnancy progressed, I became more and more anxious. As Rainbow Baby's pregnancy progresses, I become more confident. It is a slow moving confidence, and is interspersed with hysterical fears that have "normal" people rolling thier eyes. Fear provoked by incidents such as Jack getting dog crap all over his shoes and me going to great lengths to avoid "contamination." These compulsive actions include washing the shoes (or even throwing them out), showering me and Jack, mopping the floor in case any was tracked in the house...etc etc. These actions are odd. I am aware of that. Maybe even the parent of a stillborn baby who is engaged in a subsequent pregnancy will think these actions are beyond the boundaries of normal. I dont know. Everyone has their limits, and anxiety will push you beyond those limits if you let it. I just feel such an innate sense of responsibility towards this baby, its health and its safety. I will do anything to keep it safe. The responsibilty is almost a burden (for want of a better word) and so restrictive. Imagine if I lost this baby too? What is the saying? To lose one is bad luck, to lose two is careless. The world is a frightening place for a parent, especially one who has lost a child, when you take all the threats into account.
Animal poo seems to be a reccurring theme in my life. I dont even have a pet! But I cant escape it. If it isnt dog crap on Jack's shoes, then it is bird stuff all over the back pavers. Or cat stuff in the flower beds (which I go NOWHERE NEAR). Or snail shit in the letterbox. So much snail shit that it gets smeared all over my mail, especially when it rains. I ended up getting the mail with gloves on, and eventually had to get Kelvin to hose it out. Pellets dont seem to repel the snails, but after shaking half a kilo of salt in there, I seem to have found my repellant. They havent come back, but my mail is covered in salt. Better than snail faeces, anyway. Who knows what the postman thinks? Nutters in Number 4, that's for sure.
Thursday
Week 20
I am so in love. I havent let myself connect properly to this baby yet but I find the urge to bond is insurmountable. I love this baby. I am grateful for this new chance and new life. I look at the 3D ultraound photos all the time and marvel at how cute (!) this baby is already. I still have fear but it is habitual, I think. I know deep down that we will be welcoming this little one in February, and even consider having another natural birth...(as I had planned a c-section two weeks early out of fear). We will see when the time comes. I am learning to trust my instincts much more lately. This is thanks to Sybella. When I get to 34 weeks, that will be crunch time. If I start to panic, I will go ahead with the c-section at 38 weeks. If I feel calm, I will continue into natural labour when the time comes. One thing I know for sure is that I WONT be going past 40 weeks. At all. Since I have had a c-section already (with Jack) I cannot be induced, which means another c-section at 40 weeks anyway. So my options are a natural labour if it begins prior to 40 weeks, or a c-section if I a) am panicky after 34 weeks b) I am calm but gestation continues after 40 weeks. I will talk to The Boss about it.
I am very excited about our baby's name. They are the most beautiful names in the world, I think. I am so happy that I finally got Kelvin to agree to Reuben. I still may not have convinced him 100% but I am quietly confident! He was dead set against it. He said it sounded like a girl's name. I resigned myself to having to call our son "Bob" which is what Kelvin would use if he got his way. I sighed and put the name "Reuben" into a metaphorical box and let it go. Until Kelvin excitedly told me he had been listening to Kenny Rodger's song Reuben James and decided it was a strong name and he actually liked it. Um, thanks Kenny. Thanks, you Silver Fox, who can use the gift of song to convince my husband on his child's name...yet his own wife, bearer of his three children, cant. Geez!
The dreams have returned too. Good grief, do I have a cracker one night. I dreamed I was in hospital, still pregnant. I went into labour and just about everyone I knew was there for the occassion. Seriously, about 50 people. Even a couple of randoms were thrown in. The midwife was trying to find the heartbeat of the baby and asking me if I felt all right. She then told me that the baby's heartbeat was weak. I begged for fetal heart monitoring and a c-section but all she let me do was get into the shower. In the shower, my water broke and the entire bathtub filled with sludgy brown amniotic fluid. I woke up before the baby was born. Now, it wasnt distressing as such, but was incredibly vivid and played on my mind for ages. I really wish those dreams would stop! I do know that they are just dreams, my subconcious processing my anxiety. I have absolutely no belief that dreams hold any premonition or meaning. They are no indication of something that has happened or that will happen. If that were true, I would have cheated on Kelvin with Don Draper a thousand times by now...
See Baby This Week
I am very excited about our baby's name. They are the most beautiful names in the world, I think. I am so happy that I finally got Kelvin to agree to Reuben. I still may not have convinced him 100% but I am quietly confident! He was dead set against it. He said it sounded like a girl's name. I resigned myself to having to call our son "Bob" which is what Kelvin would use if he got his way. I sighed and put the name "Reuben" into a metaphorical box and let it go. Until Kelvin excitedly told me he had been listening to Kenny Rodger's song Reuben James and decided it was a strong name and he actually liked it. Um, thanks Kenny. Thanks, you Silver Fox, who can use the gift of song to convince my husband on his child's name...yet his own wife, bearer of his three children, cant. Geez!
The dreams have returned too. Good grief, do I have a cracker one night. I dreamed I was in hospital, still pregnant. I went into labour and just about everyone I knew was there for the occassion. Seriously, about 50 people. Even a couple of randoms were thrown in. The midwife was trying to find the heartbeat of the baby and asking me if I felt all right. She then told me that the baby's heartbeat was weak. I begged for fetal heart monitoring and a c-section but all she let me do was get into the shower. In the shower, my water broke and the entire bathtub filled with sludgy brown amniotic fluid. I woke up before the baby was born. Now, it wasnt distressing as such, but was incredibly vivid and played on my mind for ages. I really wish those dreams would stop! I do know that they are just dreams, my subconcious processing my anxiety. I have absolutely no belief that dreams hold any premonition or meaning. They are no indication of something that has happened or that will happen. If that were true, I would have cheated on Kelvin with Don Draper a thousand times by now...
See Baby This Week
Friday
Week 19
The week has arrived for our morphology scan. I havent slept properly in ages.
The night before I toss and turn, have horrible dreams and wake every half an hour. On the way there, Kelvin says he hopes we arent driving back afterwards feeling the same way we did after Sybella's last ultrasound. We arrive twenty minutes early and I sit in the waiting room, bladder full, jiggling my foot, perched on the very edge of my chair. The sonographer, (lets call her D) calls us in early. We explain our history and how we are supremely nervous. D assures me that she will talk through the whole scan with us. Immediately she points out the heartbeat, so that is a good start. D is a very experienced technician...she actually did Jack's morphology scan in 2005! She also scanned Sybella, two weeks before she died. At that scan, Sybella was thriving and growing well. She was in no way compromised. One would argue that D is not that experienced, given that she didnt pick up on Sybella, but truly, Sybella had no detectable problems and the doctor on duty confirmed this on the day of that second-last ultrasound.
D clicks through the images, measuring, looking...and I am sure she works quickly, yet methodically so that we dont worry. I know that when a technician stops, is silent and just stares at the screen that we have something to worry about. D, I think, purposely avoids doing this. I can tell, however, that she knows exactly what she is looking for and that that she knows exactly what she is doing. She chats to us, explaining each organ, what she is seeing, what the measurements are and how everything looks normal and within range at each point. D tells us about certain abnormalities and what they look for to diagnose them...for example, with Spina Bifida, babies with this defect often have Anencephaly, which is absence of the brain and/or skull. She shows us our baby's brain and formed skull, points out hemispheres and shows us that the measurments are good. So we can be completely sure that our baby doesnt have that particular anomaly. She does this for other problems too, she shows us each ventricle of the heart, each kidney (and this baby does not have Pyelectasis like Sybella did), we see the cutest little face in 2D and 3D. D is very happy with the baby's progress so far and says as much. Kelvin asks me if I want to find out the sex of the baby and I um and ahh about this. Right now, I feel perfectly content knowing that the baby is healthy and dont feel the desire to know the sex. I dont feel the overwhelming curiosity and impatience that I felt when finding out the sex of Jack and Sybella. D says that if I'm not sure about finding out, then dont. We decide to leave it be for now, and I know I have made the right choice. After this ultrasound, I feel so much happiness and peace. I feel completely content. After Sybella's 19 week ultrasound, I left feeling unsettled and uneasy. Which is why I requested another ultrasound at 24 weeks, where we found out about her Pyelectasis and what they think was an amniotic band in my uterus. This saw me spend the rest of her pregnancy in a fit of anxiety.
For those who were on the edge of their seat waiting to find out the sex of the baby (because I did say that I was going to find out earlier) my compensation is this...I will tell you the names we think we will use. Should the baby be a girl, her name is Imogen Scarlett. If the baby is a boy, we are fairly sure that his name is Reuben Elvis (I still need to convince Kelvin a bit on this). There is lots of fun in choosing names!
The night before I toss and turn, have horrible dreams and wake every half an hour. On the way there, Kelvin says he hopes we arent driving back afterwards feeling the same way we did after Sybella's last ultrasound. We arrive twenty minutes early and I sit in the waiting room, bladder full, jiggling my foot, perched on the very edge of my chair. The sonographer, (lets call her D) calls us in early. We explain our history and how we are supremely nervous. D assures me that she will talk through the whole scan with us. Immediately she points out the heartbeat, so that is a good start. D is a very experienced technician...she actually did Jack's morphology scan in 2005! She also scanned Sybella, two weeks before she died. At that scan, Sybella was thriving and growing well. She was in no way compromised. One would argue that D is not that experienced, given that she didnt pick up on Sybella, but truly, Sybella had no detectable problems and the doctor on duty confirmed this on the day of that second-last ultrasound.
D clicks through the images, measuring, looking...and I am sure she works quickly, yet methodically so that we dont worry. I know that when a technician stops, is silent and just stares at the screen that we have something to worry about. D, I think, purposely avoids doing this. I can tell, however, that she knows exactly what she is looking for and that that she knows exactly what she is doing. She chats to us, explaining each organ, what she is seeing, what the measurements are and how everything looks normal and within range at each point. D tells us about certain abnormalities and what they look for to diagnose them...for example, with Spina Bifida, babies with this defect often have Anencephaly, which is absence of the brain and/or skull. She shows us our baby's brain and formed skull, points out hemispheres and shows us that the measurments are good. So we can be completely sure that our baby doesnt have that particular anomaly. She does this for other problems too, she shows us each ventricle of the heart, each kidney (and this baby does not have Pyelectasis like Sybella did), we see the cutest little face in 2D and 3D. D is very happy with the baby's progress so far and says as much. Kelvin asks me if I want to find out the sex of the baby and I um and ahh about this. Right now, I feel perfectly content knowing that the baby is healthy and dont feel the desire to know the sex. I dont feel the overwhelming curiosity and impatience that I felt when finding out the sex of Jack and Sybella. D says that if I'm not sure about finding out, then dont. We decide to leave it be for now, and I know I have made the right choice. After this ultrasound, I feel so much happiness and peace. I feel completely content. After Sybella's 19 week ultrasound, I left feeling unsettled and uneasy. Which is why I requested another ultrasound at 24 weeks, where we found out about her Pyelectasis and what they think was an amniotic band in my uterus. This saw me spend the rest of her pregnancy in a fit of anxiety. 
This baby, I know, is strong. He or she is coming, I know it. I see the baby, I see it's birth, I see myself breastfeeding. I could never do that with Sybella. And that make me so so sad. It is such a bittersweet time. I still grieve my little girl so much, but am completely in love with this new little life inside. It is hard to reconcile sometimes. When I feel sad, I think I am not giving Rainbow Baby a proper chance at connecting with me. When I spend time trying to feel kicks, and talk to Rainbow Baby, I feel like I am ignoring Sybella and her memory. I guess I will struggle with this for a while and probably need to go with it.
For those who were on the edge of their seat waiting to find out the sex of the baby (because I did say that I was going to find out earlier) my compensation is this...I will tell you the names we think we will use. Should the baby be a girl, her name is Imogen Scarlett. If the baby is a boy, we are fairly sure that his name is Reuben Elvis (I still need to convince Kelvin a bit on this). There is lots of fun in choosing names! I wonder how long my peace and contentment will last...until I start to worry again?
See Baby This Week
See Baby This Week
Tuesday
Week 18
I have a week until my 19 week morphology ultrasound and I am not coping well. I am imagining every possible terrible scenario, from discovering no heartbeat, to finding a fatal problem that would lead to having to make the decision to terminate or not, to just finding one or more soft markers that could indicate a problematic issue. One scenario I dont consider is the one that involves walking out of the room with a clean bill of health. I dont even let myself believe that it could be the case.
I actually have no reason to think there might be a structural anomaly with the baby. The Boss has been checking the heartbeat via ultrasound every fortnight, so I have been seeing the normal growth progress of the baby. I had a very good result for my Nuchal Translucency scan. My fears are only based on my previous experience of stillbirth...however, even that doesnt give me a reason to think there is an issue, because Sybella's 19 week morphology scan was fine. At her birth, she was a normal, beautifully formed baby. No health issues were ever detected from any ultrasound, her appearance or her post mortem examination.
The fear remains, however.
The Boss, at a previous consultation, still cannot tell me what the sex of the baby is. I am wondering now if I am not supposed to find out, as twice now, bubs has kept it's bits a secret. I start to become worried about the possibility of having another girl. What if...the reason Sybella died was something to do with the fact that she was female? And it is a problem that medicine isnt advanced enough yet to know about? You know, how Hemophilia only affects males, but only females are the carriers? What if Bella's death was something similar to that?
The idea of the baby being a girl panics me so much that I discuss with Kelvin about not finding out the sex now...and just living in blissful ignorance...without adding another factor for anxiety into the mix. He says he will do whatever I want to do. Good man.
That said, my hunch is that the baby is a boy anyway. I am happy about that. The age gap between Jack and this baby will be 5 years exactly. If they are both boys, there is probably the potential for them to be closer, than if the baby were a girl. Hard to say, though. There is a 5 year age gap between my brother and I...and a 10 year gap between me and my youngest brother...and I think they are awesome. So it probably has more to do with the dynamics of the family, how relationships are promoted and individual personalities, as to whether siblings are close or not...female or male.
I dont know. I just ramble. We will get the perfect member for our family...the one that God deems the right fit. That's enough for me.
See Baby This Week
I actually have no reason to think there might be a structural anomaly with the baby. The Boss has been checking the heartbeat via ultrasound every fortnight, so I have been seeing the normal growth progress of the baby. I had a very good result for my Nuchal Translucency scan. My fears are only based on my previous experience of stillbirth...however, even that doesnt give me a reason to think there is an issue, because Sybella's 19 week morphology scan was fine. At her birth, she was a normal, beautifully formed baby. No health issues were ever detected from any ultrasound, her appearance or her post mortem examination.
The fear remains, however.
The Boss, at a previous consultation, still cannot tell me what the sex of the baby is. I am wondering now if I am not supposed to find out, as twice now, bubs has kept it's bits a secret. I start to become worried about the possibility of having another girl. What if...the reason Sybella died was something to do with the fact that she was female? And it is a problem that medicine isnt advanced enough yet to know about? You know, how Hemophilia only affects males, but only females are the carriers? What if Bella's death was something similar to that?
The idea of the baby being a girl panics me so much that I discuss with Kelvin about not finding out the sex now...and just living in blissful ignorance...without adding another factor for anxiety into the mix. He says he will do whatever I want to do. Good man.
That said, my hunch is that the baby is a boy anyway. I am happy about that. The age gap between Jack and this baby will be 5 years exactly. If they are both boys, there is probably the potential for them to be closer, than if the baby were a girl. Hard to say, though. There is a 5 year age gap between my brother and I...and a 10 year gap between me and my youngest brother...and I think they are awesome. So it probably has more to do with the dynamics of the family, how relationships are promoted and individual personalities, as to whether siblings are close or not...female or male.
I dont know. I just ramble. We will get the perfect member for our family...the one that God deems the right fit. That's enough for me.
See Baby This Week
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)