Week 24

And so the baby is "viable."
How horrid is it that once I get to 24 weeks, instead of saying "yeah, I'm six months pregnant!" I morbidly think "well, if the baby dies now, I have had TWO stillbirths. Not one stillbirth and one miscarriage. But TWO stillbirths." Hmmm. I wonder what that says about my mind?

And so begins one of the worst weeks in my life. I am completely overwhelmed and feel like I am not coping. The thing is, if you know me in real life, you probably wouldnt have picked up on this, especially at the beginning of the week. I still function well at the day to day, but my mind is a swirling mess of thoughts. Things I have to do, things I want to do, feelings, guilt, observations...it's all getting on top of me.
The week began with Kelvin away camping. So alone, with Jack, the poor thing spiked a 40 degree temperature and it ran for three days straight. I have never seen that boy so sick. He was terrible. He basically slept for two days and when he wasnt sleeping, he was crying. I felt so sorry for him and was helpless for much of it. Apart from panadol, nurofen, tepid baths and lots of cuddles, there wasnt much else I could do. On the third day, the fever broke, but Jack then came down with a spotty red rash. By this stage, he was fine, up and running around, eating and so on. I freaked out, wondering what the rash was, whether I would catch it, and what it meant for the baby. After the third doctor's appointment in two days, it transpired that Jack had a viral rash, just an immunological response to the temperature. I had never heard of these, nor seen one, so I was baffled. But all's well that ends well. When Kelvin fell ill a few days later, things went haywire again. I hadnt slept in almost 4 days, up with Jack most of the night, checking him, soothing him, googling meningitis (yep), and now Kelvin was sick. I realised it had been a long time since I had felt the baby move, and amidst all the chaos, I lay down to try and do a kick-count. The baby moved, but not very strongly. Just little twitches here and there, few and far between. This worried me, and so I went to see the Boss for a checkup. Kelvin also ushered me along. With Sybella and Jack, if I mentioned a quiet day, Kelvin wouldnt be worried at all. But now, he was ringing me every five minutes to see if the baby had moved. The Boss was in between deliveries, and had about four of them back to back. My appointment was at 12.30pm, but I didnt see him until 2.45pm. The entire time I was in the waiting room, I spent poking and prodding my belly, which Rainbow Baby studiously ignored. He/she wasnt moving for anything.
After an ultrasound to check the heartbeat and movement, The Boss said he was happy with everything. He said that my perception of the movement was probably skewed because of the stress I was under.
With all this going on, my nutritional intake had been shocking. I hadnt cooked a proper meal all week, and had been eating McDonalds, inhaling a cheeseburger in between doctors appointments, drinking coke to keep myself awake, and to get Rainbow Baby moving. Dinner was pizza or toast. Or noodles. Or nothing.
Who invented Mother Guilt? They need to be shot!
As I write now, I am watching the air conditioner drip condensation onto the couch and soak the mattress underneath on the fold out bed. This means now that I have to strip the cushion covers, as the inserts are soaked, mop up, fold out the bed to dry the mattress, which means moving the rug and the coffee table.
I just need a break! I just want to sit, undisturbed, eat pavlova and watch back to back episodes of How I Met Your Mother. Although Ted is the most annoying character in the world. I can see why it is taking him so long to find a chick to tolerate him. Geez.
Okay, so week 24 is a ramble of out of control musings that I hope have been somewhat amusing at least! Hopefully, week 25 is a little more contained.

See Baby This Week