I am such a party-pooper. Seriously.
I really really dont want to quash anyone's excitement of their impending new arrival. I have a few friends expecting babies at the moment. There are a few amongst them who have thrown magnificently extravagnant baby showers. I have nothing against baby showers. I had one myself for Jack. They are a lovely rite of passage and beautiful way to celebrate a new baby that is arriving.
If I were to write the last sentence in complete honesty though, I would write this: They are a lovely rite of passage and beautiful way to celebrate a new baby that is hopefully arriving. However, some people I know (not friends so much) have been blogging and have pictures up of their insanely indulgent baby showers. I am talking crazy-thousands of dollars spent-bugaboo prams as gifts-Egyptian cotton cot sheets baby showers.
What is that about? This is my spin on it all.
First, baby excitement is there. It's natural, it's normal. I am in no position to put a dampener on anyone's experiences because of what happened to me. I dont wish to pass a message of fear on to anyone (pssstt...just so you know...your baby may not come home to this personally designed nursery, overseen by Bec Hewitt). It is not my intention at all.
But the truth of matter is that extravagant nurseries are for the parents, not the baby. Really, all that paraphernalia...cushions, stuffed animals, mobile cords, cot bumpers...all I see is a huge SIDS risk. Also, even though I said it wasnt my intention to pass on fear...the reality of the matter is that there are no guarantees. And trust me, there is nothing worse than having everything set up, washed, folded, ready...in a beautiful pink room...that your baby doesnt get to come home to. I still have Sybella's room set up, I havent touched it. I dread the day I have to go through her things and box them up to make way for our new baby. I am not buying one thing for Rainbow Baby. I am counting on gifts after the birth to accomodate his/her wardrobe! But really, I have a bunch of singlets, socks, wraps and jumpsuits that will tide us over during that newborn period. Does Rainbow Baby deserve its own, new things? Yes. But I will buy them when he/she is safely home.
There is nothing wrong with preparation. I get that. But I cant abide spending thousands on a certain type of pram...which is what we did with Jack...and the kid decided he'd rather sleep in a handmade calico sling until he was three months old!
Reading over this post, it sounds mean. And bitter. But I'm not those things, I promise. I'm just a changed, changed person. I'm no longer trusting of an outcome that most people think is inevitable. I am on autopilot with my negativity. Jaynie Seal who does the weather on one of the news programs announced the other day: "I'm having a baby."
100 points for guessing my automatic response to that announcement.
Pregnancy no longer equals baby for me, and I can imagine it is the same for other babylost mothers out there too.
I hope this negativity passes. I'm sure it cant be good for Rainbow Baby. I would turn myself inside out if it meant I had a guarantee that he or she was coming home.
See Baby This Week
Again - agree with everything you've written. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to go to another baby shower again. I went to a friend's while I was pregnant with Matilda (before we knew anything was wrong) and one of the things we did was all drawer a number from 1 to 18 and wrote a letter to their baby to be opened on that birthday. I think about it sometimes and imagine how devastating if you did that and your baby died. Would you open all the letters at once and cry over what would never be? Or open one each birthday like intended?
ReplyDeleteI got some things ready once I was a long way (past 32 weeks) pregnant.
And I can still remember sorting out and packing Matilda's things away (we didn't have that much we'd specifically bought for her) - it was heartbreaking. I wish I could say something to make it easier for you but suspect nothing will.
Maddie x
You're not mean or bitter. You sound like a normal grieving mother to me. Specifically one who has been through stillbirth.
ReplyDeleteI was exactly the same way with Angus, and still am now. I haven't been to a baby shower in two and a half years and not sure I will ever go to another one again. In fact mine with Hope was the last one I went to.
We were so ready for her. So ready. We didn't know she was a girl, so we didn't go all out with the pink or blue, but we were ready. I left the nursery completely untouched until about a week before Angus arrived, when I had to clean and dust things, on the off chance he did come home with us. It was sad to see just how dusty things were. Broke my heart, really.
I have a baby shower in two weeks. It is for a good friend. Her first. And she's having a girl. I have told her I can't go, and if she or anyone else has a problem with that, then I really don't care. This is who I am now. Broken woman who can't go to baby showers!