Week 37

This is all too hard now. Last night I had an honest to goodness panic attack, despite having had a CTG six hours before. I went to bed at 9.30pm, woke at 11pm and could feel nothing. I tried all the usual, drinking water, eating a chocolate biscuit. But my heart was racing and tears were dripping down my cheeks. Even if the baby was moving, I doubt my perception was all that anyway, and I was convinced he was gone. I engage in all this magical, superstitious thinking. The night that Sybella died, something was "different." I dont know what it was, but I remember being so weak and fatigued and tired. I was only 33 weeks, but I felt like I was days away from giving birth (which I was, unknowingly). I got Thai food for dinner that night because I couldnt muster up any energy to cook.
Last night, I had that terrible tiredness again. I again got Thai food for dinner. Then remembered that it had been the same routine on that terrible day I lost Sybella. So I was convinced that Rainbow Baby would die last night. Of course, my tiredness this time is attributed to running up and down the freeway for appointments, crippling anxiety and fear and no sleep. Oh, and the 8lb kid inside me.
My plan is to be admitted to hospital again this week. I will return in two days time and stay until the birth. I am just not coping at home. Jack's school drop off wipes me out for the rest of the day. My house is a disgrace. I want to nest, but am too scared. I am hoping that someone will hire a cleaner for me before I bring the baby home...(hint, hint...someone want to forward this post to Kelvin?!)

I was at an appointment the other day, listening to Rainbow Baby's heartbeat, when another pregnant woman started talking to me. Now, I am particularly irritable these days. And I dont hide it well. I made it clear that I wasnt interested in talking, not by being rude, but by answering in monosyllabics and lacking engagement.
"Humph" she groaned. "I am so sick of these appointments. Twice a week! TWICE A WEEK!"
I look at her. "How often do you come?" she asks me. "Every day" I answer. "EVERY DAY? Why? What is your complication?"
I respond with "Previous stillbirth. You?"
She doesnt seem peturbed or affected by my answer. "Oh. Cholestasis. Gestational Diabetes. You know." I nod. Look away. "But I cant work, because I'm HERE all the time. And I had to take my daughter out of childcare. It's so inconvenient."

Yes. Yes it is. About as inconvenient as picking out a baby coffin, I think.

"What..." I ask.."is the outcome if your pregnancy isnt monitored accordingly?"
"Ummm, stillbirth" she answers.
"I've had a stillbirth" I reiterate."In April. Trust me, do your monitoring. It's not as inconvenient as stillbirth."

Normally, I wouldnt be so blunt. But I have had it. I cant be nice anymore. I dont know why I find it so hard. I'm stretched to my limit. I hope I can become nice again when my Rainbow Baby is born.

See Baby This Week