Week 28

Okay, so my "birth plan."
Now, I have a "thing" about birth. I think it is very personal, there are no hard and fast rules and nobody has a say about your choice apart from you, your partner, and your doctor.
I dont like "birth plans," as in the written type, that specify "no epidural/no intervention/I want to be on my fit ball, vocalising."
Not that I think those things are bad, I dont. But my goodness, if I have learned anything from Sybella's death, it is that you cannot plan everything. Not everything goes the way you want to to, or think it will.
Jack was a breech baby and very large. I discussed at length my birth choices with my doctors and midwives. I was presented with options for a vaginal delivery, and a cesearean delivery. I was told of the risks and benefits of both. I was sent home and told to think about it. I was never coerced, or told that I had to have a cesearean, although that is what I chose in the end. Why did I choose it?
For Jack's safety. The one and only reason. Not because I was afraid of the pain of labour. But because I wasnt interested in experiencing labour and birth if there was a risk of Jack breaking his hips, of him getting stuck at the neck, of my borderline placenta praevia becoming a problem. I had been bleeding from 34 weeks and was not risking a natural birth, I felt it was too dangerous. I wasnt told it was too dangerous, I felt it was too dangerous. Big difference. I was autonomous in my decision and I made it independently.
Sybella's birth was a normal vaginal delivery (I hate the word normal when referring to birth. What is normal? Certainly, although my delivery was "normal," the outcome of a dead baby wasnt!)
The thing that got me through Sybella's induced vaginal birth was the fact that I was unprepared. That sounds funny, I guess. But I had no expectations, no plan, no idea what I was in for. I guess, knowing she was dead, I didnt care about the pain of labour, in fact I welcomed it. It was a bittersweet irony how good I was at labour, how beautifully I birthed her, how "easy" labour was for me. Physically, I didnt feel that labour was a big deal. It was not the worst pain I had ever felt. I have had migraines that are worse. My body knew instinctively what to do. Curling up on the bed was what helped me the most, even though many say that walking around and having "active labour" helps. Not me. Walking around was excruciating. If I wasnt pressing my spine into the mattress, or sitting on the toilet, then I was in agony. So even though I was a labour pro, my little dead baby at the end meant that I always viewed my cesearean with Jack as my most triumphant birth experience.
Bottom line, and my point being: Birth is personal. There is no "right" way to give birth. There are no "disappointments" in birth, if you end up having to have pain relief, or a c-section. It is so intensely your own experience, and when your live, pink, screaming baby comes out at the end, whatever way it got here was worth it.
I am leaning towards a scheduled caesearen with Rainbow Baby. My anxiety is mounting more and more each day, will peak at 34 weeks, and by 38 weeks, I know I will be downright certifiable. I would love another natural birth. Love it. I would love to endure all that pain and hard work, and experience the elation of pushing out a beautiful live baby. But mentally and emotionally, it is better for everyone (read: the people who have to live with me) if I have a date set, a count down ready and a plan in place (ironic, seeing as I just said I hate plans!)
I know myself. And I know what is best for my emotional state as well as my family's. Most likely, Rainbow Baby will be born via ceaserean section at the end of February, 2 weeks early. People can raise their eyebrows all they want and call me weak, but I know that they are wrong. I have never been stronger as I have had to be the last 28 weeks.
And this is my call.
(And for the record, caesareans are way harder and way scarier than vaginal deliveries. I am prouder for enduring a c-section than my natural birth. Definitely not the easy option.)

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